saata VOL: 2, ISSUE: 2 - APRIL 2018 facebook

SAATA ITAA Conference-2016 team
TA Proper, Stroking & Time-Structuring - Ambika home
Ambika Ambika has done her MA Economics and MBA HR, she is currently pursuing her second year TA for Organisation Development under the guidance of Suriyaprakash. She has 10 years of corporate experience in the field of HR especially in Learning & development. She is a certified MBTI.
She can be contacted at

Deeper understanding of the topics on TA proper, stroking and time structuring helped me change the way I behave with my immediate subordinate.

Background summary:

My colleague and I share one resource at work. This subordinate of ours reports to both of us.

For the past 5- 6 months I did not have any work assigned to her as I was working on certain projects where I was an individual contributor. During this period, I did not like the way she worked and I had issues with her behavior. Instead of giving an honest feedback to her, I chose not to give her any strokes.

TA proper: Our transactions were minimum and in monosyllables.

Ulterior transactions


Strokes: I did not have any eye contact with her and avoided any kind of stroking

Time structuring: I was mostly on a withdrawal mode with her. We used to have a ritual of calling each other and going for breakfast together. I had stopped doing this ritual and went alone or with someone else.

After some time, she also responded in similar manner giving no strokes to me. This behavior of hers I did not appreciate.

Later for a project, we both had to work together and this was the same time when I understood how I behaved with her. I knew that my behavior towards her was not doing good for our relationship. I decided to change the way I interacted with her.

Internalization & Realization:

  • I realized that if I wanted to hurt someone, I purposely do not give any strokes.
  • I do not make any eye contact with the person with whom I do not want to give any strokes.
  • I realized, if others give back the same "no stroke" response to me I did not like it.

Steps incorporated to make the changes in behavior:

Once I realized that I had to change in order to make the relationship healthy.

  • My first step was to start the ritual again (Time structuring). I called her and asked her to come for breakfast. Spoke about how the weekend went by and how things are at her home front
  • We mutually discussed and agreed to have a contract in place. I asked her to set up a meeting for us to talk. In that meeting I told her that the past 6 months since I was on a project where I had to contribute individually my interactions with her was minimal and I hoped she understands this. I told her going forward since I will again start working with her, I wanted her to lay down her expectations from this project and I wanted to let her know my expectations.
  • From no strokes at all I started giving her conditional strokes.
  • I took permission from her before I gave her some constructive feedback, I told her that this feedback was not on a personal level but more to do with her work front.
  • I ensured I gave her examples of her work rather than making statements.
  • I asked her where she was facing an issue with me at work and I promised I will take her feedback positively.
  • Once she opened up, I realized it was lack of transactions that caused these issue.

Outcome: I realized that when I took the first steps to modify my behavior, towards someone, the response from the other person is also similar. Today we share a good rapport with each other, the transactions are complimentary and the trust factor has also increased. There is an increase in the openness between us.

Another topic of behavior modifications and discernment helped me to see things in a different light.

Background summary:

My colleague and I have often indulged in ulterior transactions.


We would invariably end up exchanging ulterior transactions. This started to happen when she was promoted over me. I would find myself often peeping at her work. I was operating from a level of insecurity (A fear that my child had that I will lose out again to her)

Internalization & Realization:

I was operating more from my fear and this in turn was leaving me disgruntled and unhappy with my own behavior, Every time I would peep at her work I did not feel happy about myself, but could not stop doing that either.

Steps incorporated to make the changes in behavior:

Behavior modifications and discernment in fact helped me realize that I must start seeing things differently.

  • I ensured my transactions were not ulterior but complimentary. I would explain to her from where I am coming and why I have asked some information. I was keeping the conversation as transparent as possible.
    For instance: Previously if she would ask me to do something, I would feel that she is delegating the work to me and I would get annoyed. Once I decided to change my behavior, I decided if I am able to do the work, I will do it, without judging. If I am unable to do, I would tell her that I am tied up with work.
  • Every time the child in me would want to peep into her work, the Parent in me would start to reprimand. I would tell myself that this habit is not good and I should not indulge in such practice. I overcame this insecurity, when we were working together, I started doing analysis in her laptop and I gave her mine and asked her to search something. Putting an end to the insecurity.
  • Seeing only the positive aspect from our transactions and analysis the conversation without judgment helped me to change my behavior.

Outcome: Now we share a cordial relationship. She has started to open up a bit, and I do not judge her. I had to work on this behavior and I wanted to feel good after every transaction with her. Leaving very little space for ulterior transactions.

Creative Corner

arr TA Proper, Stroking & Time-Structuring
- Ambika
arr Feelings
- Aruna Kalahastri
arr From Playing Games to becoming Sportive
- Kiran Katawa
arr Personal Growth through TA
- Neena Bijoy
arr Autism
- Sapna Sajan
arr TA in South Africa
- Karen Pratt
arr Force or Source
- I.A. Mohanraj
arr A Ranty Soliloquy on Writing!
- C. Suriyaprakash
arr A Teenage Contract
- Lakshmi Prabha
arr Book: From Anxiety to CTA
- Aruna Gopakumar

Creative Corner
Depression Healing
- Jayashree Swaminathan

Art Addiction
- Vasudha Sridhar

Poem: Hope - A Prayer
- Vikrant Goyal



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