saata VOL: 2, ISSUE: 1 - JANUARY 2018 facebook

SAATA ITAA Conference-2016 team
The Rewarding CTA Journey - Karolina Jovanoska home
Kousalya-Karthikeyan Karolina Jovanoska holds a BA in Cultural Studies, and has been a Certified Transactional Analyst (CTA-P) since 2015. For 10 years she has worked in private practice with individuals and couples. She has published many articles about psychotherapy and an e-book "From Anxiety to CTA". She lives with her husband and two children in Ljubljana, Slovenia.
She can be contacted at:

I had never expected that writing CTA exam would be so important to me. The whole experience brought quite unexpected positive results that had an overall impact on my well-being and on the way of my experiencing the world.

If one could say that for many people this is a stressful experience, it seemed twice as stressful for me. The voice of my inner critic, who had been rather merciless before, grew increasingly louder and more arrogant. 'Who do you think you are? You are a terrible therapist, and you have no idea how many things you don't and will never know!' On the other hand, I felt a burning desire, hoping that if I could somehow manage to pass this exam, I might just overcome this critical inner voice and finally find a little peace.

Admittedly, if it only depended on me, I would not choose this path. Fortunately, I was surrounded by people who believed in me when I could not believe in myself. They encouraged me, and somehow I started to take my first steps towards the exam. They managed to call on my Adult when 'Be perfect' began to choke me. They reminded me, for example, of the fact that this was not a TSTA exam; if I thought I needed to know everything now, what would then remain for the TSTA?

Finally I was able to relax enough to allow myself that not everything had to be perfect. In such moments, real learning began. When I was able to look at different concepts with curiosity instead of fear, I began to discover an entirely new world.

Namely, I inadvertently began to apply the concepts I explored and pondered to myself. Let me share an example. When I wanted to understand exactly what deconfusion was, I (following my supervisor's advice) needed to define confusion first. I remember the moment when I saw myself in the mirror, and this complicated concept finally came together and settled in my brain as well as in my body. It suddenly dawned on me: 'Oh my God, I've been wondering all my life whether I'm good enough or not. But now I see that this is a wrong question. Now I understand that I have been absolutely good enough all along, but I did not know this because I was confused myself. More precisely, my Child Ego State was confused about this since my inner critic was attacking me so fiercely.' What an enlightenment, what a relief!

I have not enough space here to describe my numerous learning experiences of this kind, but I assure you there were many. And you can imagine they were very significant because when I took the oral examination at the TA Conference in Rome in July 2015, I could barely recognize myself. For the first time in my life, I was confident, trusting in myself and my knowledge. No more did I belittle myself; instead, I implemented Berne's famous basic premise - I am OK, and you, members of the exam board, are OK. Moreover, although I was alone in front of the board, I did not feel alone. All who trusted in me and helped me and kept their fingers crossed were there with me. I felt their presence and our connectedness. The whole thing was great not only because I passed the exam but because it was a script free experience. Instead of 'Be perfect' attacks, I was within the I+ U+ window. Instead of critical messages to myself, I was connected to everyone. Luckily, it did not stop at the exam. I returned home with self-esteem and newly discovered faith in myself, others and something bigger, which is above us and connects us all.

arr MLL 2018
- Sarmishta Mani
arr The Rewarding CTA Journey
- Karolina Jovanoska
arr The Relationship Garden
- Sheena Yusuf
arr Children-The Magical Beings
- Rajeshwari Bharath
arr A Journey to Discover Self
- Tasnuva Huque

Creative Corner
Mental Health
- Jayashree Swaminathan

The plAyground
- Nandhini Thangavelu



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