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Vaaruni Sundar CTA (P)! I feel so happy and excited to see it written like this. What stays with me is what Jacqueline Van Gent (IBOC co-chair) said during the celebrations, “You are not CTA candidates anymore, you are CTAs”. I have been a CTA candidate for so long that it’s hard for me to fathom the completion.
My journey towards CTA has been a rollercoaster ride. I have been anxious and shameful about my ‘not good-enoughness,’ felt anger towards the writing process and my supervisor, struggled through various stages of the work and questioned if I want to be a therapist at all.
I even lost my passion for being a therapist. I lost myself!
What contained all of this for me was my supervisor, TA training group and therapy group. Being consistently in touch with them and cheered by them, I found myself again.
I chose questions for the written exam with the curiosity of finding myself, my style, my clients and my voice. This openness helped me enjoy what emerged through my writing and learn along the way. The love and support I received from my TA training group challenged the contamination ‘Success is a lonely journey’ (Isn’t that a cultural contamination?). We shared our jealousies, sadness, anxieties and the group contained it all with its supportive and warm relationships. Once I could make meaning of this journey again, finding myself through writing was enjoyable and easy even though I had to make several drafts.
This whole cycle of “losing and finding myself” repeated again when I started preparing for my oral exam. I lost myself here because I felt tied down to humility and struggled to show off and be proud of myself and the work I do. The journey towards the oral exam helped me integrate both pride and humility. I wonder if genuine humility exists without pride. I found myself being able to bring myself as a whole person into the exam process. CTA oral exam was that of respectful enquiry. The examiners asked questions to bring out the best in me and stroked me for the ways I see my work and an occasional ‘I don’t know’. I felt seen and visible because I was ready to showcase myself.
If I were to do it differently, I would’ve reached out to different supervisors early on in my journey towards the CTA rather than just two months before the oral exam. I found this quite important because it helped me acknowledge that there are various perspectives and differentiate how I see my work as a therapist. This also helped me feel separate from my supervisor and to have my own set of values and views.
I’m especially grateful to Dr. Susan George (my Trainer-Supervisor) and my husband for the support and the effort they have put into my exam process. Susan has been an important presence in my life ever since I was a teenager. She has supported as well as challenged me to discover my potential as a person and a professional. My husband has edited and formatted my work, talked me out of my anxieties and cheered me through the journey (He thinks he deserves a CTA-assistantship!) My CTA completion is their success as much as it is mine.
I find it empowering that the CTA certificate says ‘Certificate of competency’ rather than ‘qualified’ because it acknowledges and validates my effectiveness as TA therapist.
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